No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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