a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Im part way to drunk.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
