Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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