Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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