he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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