You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
