I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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