All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
