my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize