I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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