My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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