sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
