wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
