WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
