Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i now understand why vodka
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize