great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
