Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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