In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
