Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
