OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
