I feel like I'm in dance class right now
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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