wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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