i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
