I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
