It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
birth control should be required to get into college
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
