Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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