phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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