New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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