Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize