I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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