I just pynch a tree in the face
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
