you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
