I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
