A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
