Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Boobs speak an international language.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize