Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
