you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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