I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
