1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
