So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
