True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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