Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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