My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
