I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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