Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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