a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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