finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
