She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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