Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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