You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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