Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
