I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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