omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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