So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Randomize
