Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
zippers are such a cool invention
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
