I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
