Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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