Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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