awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
