Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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